I've been looking into the eye of a few deadlines lately and it's quenching whatever small portion of creativity I've been given. Sorry for not writing, I've told myself I couldn't write until the deadlines are met, but I kind of need this place to let my mind air out... so here I am.... pressing pause on real life for just a minute.
For Christmas this year I decided to buy everyone in my family event tickets. I decided that over the course of the year, I would buy each person a ticket to go do something they'd enjoy and we'd go do whatever that is together. I didn't realize how monumental this decision would become for me. I will spend the year re-capping the events, but so far, this has been a most life-giving experiment. Quality time, touch, and adventures are very much at the center of who I am, so being able to experience these dedicated nights, one-on-one, with the people I love has satisfied the deep parts of me in a way that watching someone open a gift has never been able to do. More on that later....
Last night was Lala's turn. We bought tickets to go see an artist that Lauren has always loved. Her name is Amanda Cook and this was part of her "Brave New World" album tour. I'm still wrapping my mind around the night because the entirety of it is helping me put words to some of the feelings I've had a hard time expressing. Amanda is a christian song writer and I've loved watching her in the past because there is no pretension in her performance. She is soft spoken. She has a quietness about her that is more than just the volume of her voice. She walks out, sets the stage for worship, and at the end of the show, the lights dim and they exit. The band doesn't bow and thank the crowd for coming, they leave you with the heaviness of God present and she makes it evident... you never were here for her... you were here to meet God.
This tour had a different element to it that I've not seen before. It was as much a visual concert as it was musical. The light show was incredible. The background images complimented the lyrics in extradordinarily emotional ways. I don't remember her words exactly, but the concept was that we've been led to believe that worship with big lights and production is wrong. You either need pure worship or a production. She believes it's not an either/or, but a both/and scenario.
The idea is that when you look at a piece of inspired art, you are moved to respond.... This is true, is it not? When you walk through a museum, there are pieces that draw you in and you can't turn away because that art is communicating with something unspoken inside of you. Your eyes see, your heart turns, and you meet something deep in that moment.
Amanda built this visually provoking performance to draw you deeper into her worship so that you could experience God in this visceral, transcending way. I sat there silent for most of the night because my body's response to the complexity of it all was to be still and let this be felt.
My spiritual life has been interesting in this season. There have been blips of highs with the Lord but more often than not, I've felt like a wanderer in a dessert. This is my fault because the Lord's presence always resides, I'm just not walking into it and listening. I've wanted to hear from a loud God that's writing his words to me in neon lights, but lo, He usually doesn't scream to be heard. I was certain I would walk away from my back surgery and the Lord would reveal himself on the other side of it in this very 'TA-DAAAA' type of way, but He's not a show boat, His spirit is gentle and patient... and surely waiting on me to listen quietly.
Amanda wrote a song called 'Voyage'. The visuals during this song sent my heart to my throat. A video sprayed over the performers and onto screens behind them so that you looked past the people playing and were brought into the scene before you. It showed a wild ocean and a boat being tossed around giant, stormy swells. It was in slow motion and it held you tight in the tension of the moment.
They lyrics:
What if the path you choose becomes a road
The ground you take becomes a home
The wind is high, but the pressure's off
I'll send the rain wherever we end up
Wherever we end up
I struggle with 'being ok', because there are areas in my life that feel incomplete in some capacity. I have tremendous joy in remembering the faithfulness of the Lord and I have hope that there is a future far more beautiful than I'm even imagining... but the here is hard.
This song settled me into this understanding that it's okay to wrestle through this time. It's okay to not understand why this stage of life has become a home and not a temporary dwelling place. But GOD IS STILL IN THIS PLACE. I am not forgotten. I am not lost at sea. He will care for me in this place just as he has done in every hard place before. This home may not be be built on the hill of fulfillment. It is laden with high's and low's, but I can still find rest here because I know God's word is true. His love is unrelenting, He has chosen me, and He will never change his mind.
I am thankful for this night of being washed over in words of His faithfulness. I'm thankful for emotional stirring that was different and deeper than anything I've experienced lately. I'm thankful to not put on a smile today and say everything is great... but to know that IT. WILL. BE. I say that not in sadness, but as one who knows it's okay to be somber but also SURE in a God who is a promise keeper. I am thankful for a sister who always brings me to HOLY.
Because she holds fast to me in love, I will deliver her;
I will protect her, because she knows my name.
When she calls to me, I will answer her;
I will be with her in trouble;
I will rescue her and honor her.
With long life I will satisfy her
and show her my salvation.
Psalm 91: 14-16
(Edited the words from masculine to feminine... For me!)
