Life right now is busier than I've ever known it. That sentence isn't of the complaining sort entirely… it is busy of good things that mean hopeful job security, fun times with friends, a healthy lifestyle, good choices for my family…. some of the things that are important to me. However, the MOST important thing is missing. I've been so so so busy that there has been 0 seconds of pretty much any day that's been devoted to being with/studying/praying/remembering the greatness of my God.
The reality of this horrifies me. During the time that was labeled 'days of divorce', I was scared to do anything without God telling me it was good. I was desperate for his closeness. I was a mess without his calm. I wouldn't have made it without his peace. I've never known God like I did in that time. I found rest in him entirely.
The divorce is over. In January, I claimed 2014 a fresh year for 'Taylor'….. not 'Taylor who's going through a divorce, Taylor.' This year was going to be devoted to just being in my own skin again. A new life with just me and my girl, and I was/am sincerely happy about that. It's been a pretty difficult year so far. Nothing major or blog worthy, just lots that hasn't gone as easily as I hoped it would or time that is so fleeting that I feel like Im gripping the last waking hours every night trying to finish things that need my attention.
I don't like this place at all.
I don't mean for this to be a bummer… but I've also been wrestling with how well we paint pictures of our lives for the world to see, but sometimes that facade is not reality. I do think the blog is a place to share the happy parts of our life and that it is fine for me to not put all of our life out there for public viewing, however, it is time… for ME… that I write this post and remind myself of the importance of slowing down… of making sure there is plenty of time for God, THEN time for all the rest of life that needs to happen. It's time for me to prepare.
I've tried to be intentional about preparing for the important holidays over the past few years. For 20 plus years, I've blown through the holidays like they were any other day, meaning they were purely self serving. I've tried to better lately. I've tried to research WHY these holidays mean that we should stop everything and pay attention to history. What was happening in the hearts of the ancients… and what needs to happen in the heart of me, right now?
When I've taken the time to prepare, when I've honored God and the heritage of faithfulness that he's left, when I slow and pay attention, God has shown up. Every time. He has shown Himself SO BIG that no word I type could poetically paint a grand enough picture of the way he has called me back to himself. How many times will he take my wandering heart back? I know the answer to that question, but oh how I want to be always positioned with my face to the Son. Thank you, God, for grace. And grace again. And again and again.
Easter is coming. Gosh, it feels like it will be here in the blink of an eye. This post is for me… so that I will stop. Prepare. Receive. Be changed. I know he will do it. I know he will show up, but will I be available? I'm vowing to slow. To study. To remember. To turn the volume down on my life so that God won't have to scream for me to hear. I want Him to whisper… and for me to smile big hearing Him, because we're walking so close that a whisper is all it takes.
This video is long but good grief it's good. What a remarkable song. I'm not a huge fan of this 'spoken word' movement- i think it sounds like a poem being read in a weird voice- but this brought me to tears. Please watch at about the 6:30 mark. I just completely love it. "He has defeated me in my rebellion, conquered me in my sin." YES. Praise God!
I guess Im writing this in hopes that we'll all listen to this and remember why we stop for Easter… God's got a word for all of us, but can we hear it?
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=huFra1mnIVE
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