I wrote this letter to my momma and was planning to put it in the mail today. I knew it would be skidding into her mailbox on two wheels, but there was reason for that. I went to two different stores to find a fitting mother's day card.... a thoughtful card or a funny card... and I put them all down and (shamefully) thought, 'Do these people not even know their mommas?' There wasn't one card out of one hundred that even skimmed the surface of conveying how I feel about my momma. I was a bit annoyed at Hallmark, then mostly sad for the realization that some people grew up without a mom comparable to mine. My sappy ole heart drooped because I just can't imagine a life void of a mom like mine.
Her presence in my life is big and bold like looking up at a hot air ballon and being overcome with how enormous and beautiful and fun they are. My mom is like this tremendous vessel of love that is always on fire... filling up, expanding, making room to love on more people. She's lovely and full of life, always ready with a 'yes' to adventure. Her grandkids have ignited her imagination. I love going home and riding on the four-wheeler and watching mom point out the cool, imaginative things she's found to her grandkids. A wild imagination... alive again thanks to the beautiful gullibility of grandkids!
I decided to write my own little mother's day card, but then decided to share my thoughts here, to honor my sweetest momma. My awesome Dad has gotten a good deal of back-patting this year as he hung up his stethoscope, but for every pat, my mom deserved to receive the same. She kept the boat afloat for all these years. A great man is able because of the good woman beside him, right? I know this is true for our family.
It is the most humbling thing in the world to view your momma in light of being a mom yourself. How on earth did she do it? How on earth did she leave us feeling like not a single minute of our childhood could've been filled with more love or attention? How did she get us to 30 places at once and never loose her temper at us for being ungrateful? How did she stay up so late and get up so early and always have such a sense of calm about her? How did she change the sheets on my bed til I was 20 years old and not scream at me to
QUIT PEEING IN THE BED ALREADY! (I was a deep sleeper!) Her love of motherhood has made such an impact on me. When I wan't to act frazzled or lose my temper or throw my hands up, I remember that my momma never allowed us to feel like we were a bother. I always felt like she delighted in us.... so I will do the same for my little one. I will delight in her because my momma delighted in us. A ripple effect.
I have a horrible memory. Scary horrible really, but I have memories of my mom that stand out so vividly. The brightest being that mom would do ANYTHING we needed, and do it immediately. I remember calling from college to say I was out of money and mom would say, 'ok, ill go to the bank now.' (Gosh. I hate that memory. I was the biggest brat in college.) I remember needing last minute things for school, and before I could even think about it again, mom would've made the trip to get supplies so we would have the tools available to do good work. Even yesterday, we talked about how she didn't mind running into town to do something for me. I told her there was no rush at all and one hour later, the phone rings with a report that she decided 'just to run in and do it real quick.' Amazing. Never a moments waste. She is dependable. Reliable. Always setting us up for success.
I remember my morning wake up song. I'd hear her voice, "Good moooooorning little tada bug...." and it made my heart happy. I sing it now to Londie Lu and it feels precious and treasured to me. A part of my momma, here with us every morning. A blessed, daily treat.
I remember her fully supporting my superstitious belief that I had to eat Cheerio's before every swim meet in order to swim fast. She made sure we could get to a McDonald's with Cheerio's so that I could believe in myself. It wasn't the Cheerio's I needed. It was a momma who believed in me. I remember so many freestyle side breaths smiling because as I came up to breathe, there was mom, running down the side of the pool cheering me on with reckless abandon. How many relays did I look up to make sure I saw my mommas two thumbs up before diving in?
(more on this later) I knew I could
GO because momma believed I could do it. Then, bless her, on midnight trips back to Columbus, I would promise to stay awake and talk to her so she wouldn't get sleepy. All the woman needed was peace and quiet, but with love, I would talk the whole way home and NEVER SHUT UP!!
I remember watching her dance at her 40th birthday party and thinking she was the most beautiful person I'd ever seen. I have a picture in my kitchen as proof that she is the most beautiful person I've ever seen. She's laughing, eyes squinted, long golden hair blowing in the wind, and it's pure magic.
Momma loved riding horses. I liked riding horses but I was always a bit fearful around them, even though I loved them as pets. I remember riding with mom, my back pressed into her chest, and being completely relaxed, even with a bit of fear, because mom was, and always will be my safe place. Feeling her skin against mine is the most restful place I know.
I remember (from before I can remember), sitting on the counter and cooking with her. Chocolate chip cookies... because we both have a weakness for cookie dough. I grew up in the kitchen with mom, her always teaching and helping me. She let me try out entirely mediocre meals but always made me feel proud for cooking something "wonderful"! We took cooking classes together when I was older and I'm so thankful for the investment she made in 'us'. I loved those times. I was too immature to tell her that, but I loved being there, doing something we both loved together. Now, she calls before every trip home and says, 'what are we going to cook while your home?' I've said before that I love being in the middle of the dance of knives and pots in my momma's kitchen. It's my ebenezer stone. My place where I come to remember that we are endlessly loved and we can rest here. Home safely from the battle of life.
I remember with so much clarity the night I talked to my parents about how I had made an A-bomb of horrible decisions. I was buried in my shame. My dad was rightfully tremendously angry at me. My mom was quiet. I went to bed sobbing with a grief I've only known one other time. My mom came into my room, crawled into my twin bed, wrapped her arms around me tight and whispered that everything would be okay until I fell asleep. I needed her gentle, emotional support that night worse than I've ever needed anything. A momma loves, even when you wreck everything. I was still her baby. Still precious to her.
What seems like a life time later, I was in a hospital room, enormously pregnant. Choosing the right thing for me, an unmedicated delivery. I was more prepared than mom and dad for a natural delivery! Here I was, laying in the bottom of the birthing suit shower, in agony but promising momma that it wasn't THAT painful. Mom, right beside me, brushing my hair back and whispering in my ear that everything would be okay...
even still (and it would be, because my momma was there to see me through it.)
(Maybe she was whispering that it wasn't too late for an epidural, but who can remember those types of details! :) )
Then, my very #1 favorite memory of my mom ever... in the very last minutes of child birth, my momma knew it was time. She got up from the waiting area and was surprised that no one stopped her from sneaking into the delivery room. In the most primal moment of my adult life, I take a minute to catch my breath, open my eyes, and see my mom standing over the doctor's shoulder, huge smile on her face.....
and two thumbs up. I've laughed a million times at that memory. It's perfect.
This long post to say, my sweetest momma's impact on this world is not being left to just the first-generation recipients of her love. Every day, I watch my sweet hearted girl's ways and think, 'Goodness. She's just like her Booper.' She's so full of kindness and gentleness with other people. She knows without a doubt that her momma will do ANYTHING for her. She knows that she can press into my chest, relax, and know she's safe. I hope that one day I can give her
all the two thumbs up, because I don't want the legacy of my momma's love to ever lose it's impact. Not a moment of your love was wasted, momma. Every word was written into our hearts, stored away to use when it was our time for being parents.
Like a rock that she tossed into the water when she decided to go on the adventure of motherhood, the ripple effect continues. Her love, support, encouragement, compassion, never-faultering dedication ripples on, washing over us. From her to Barry and me. From me to London. From Barry to Charley, Caden, and Elizabeth. From her grandkids onto the great-grandkids to come. The sweetest of legacies.
Thank you for this life, precious momma. What a gift you have given us. You being perfectly you. Today, Sunday, and every day, you are my rock and my hero. Thank you for your steadfast love.
